Adventures In Drunk Internet Shopping

Hurrah! Paid again. And after doing the sensible stuff (big Ocado shop, paying bills, dreaming of an iPhone), I went slightly crazy on (shhhhhh) Amazon - well, I may work in a bookshop, but I feel no guilt in buying CDs, DVDs and books that are out of print on line, especially when they are cheaper than the postage required to get them to me. I consider myself an object lesson in How Not To Buy Stuff On The Internet, however, and here are several cautionary facts you should consider if, like many, you love and admire me so much you wish to emulate my every action (pause for snigger).

1) Internet shopping while drunk is a foolish, foolish thing.
2) If you do not know how big your oven is, how can you be sure that the nonstick roasting tin with removable rack will fit? Eh???
3) Absolutely nothing is the colour it appears on screen. Not the nail varnish, not the t-shirt. What appears a gorgeous deep fuchsia will inevitably turn out to be a deeply unflattering and nylon-y looking salmon. I speak the truth here.
4) Nobody needs more than 15 plain black long-sleeved tops.
5) If it doesn't say "brand new, unopened" it will smell. Or have a suspicious-looking stain.

The second week of every pay month is marked by lots and lots of tiny packages turning up for me at work, mostly CDs, often DVDs, with varying degrees of delight or shame. I can always tell how drunk I was when I placed the order (in my defence: at home, usually late Friday after big nice dinner and a bottle of wine, on Mr Fishwife's laptop, Me: "C'nIvergo nyour laptop?" Him: "DO NOT START SPENDING MONEY ON CRAP." Me: "Juss wanna look at amazon. Oh! Yay! I bought you a looooovely t-shirt!! What chest size are you again? Doesnmatter, I've already paid..." usw) by how embarrassing the item is when it turns up. Xanadu, anyone? The Best Of Grandmaster Flash And The Sugarhill Gang?

HOWEVER neither the Internet nor the demon drink had anything to do with my new-found love for Mad Men, although I have just received the DVD of season 1 and am feverishly planning a marathon of Old Fashioneds, waspie corsets and smoking everywhere. To which end I give you my new giant ladycrush and secret role model, the flawless, fabulous, plus-sized Joan.Earth has not anything to show more fair. Nor more curvy. Sadly her chief attractions are hidden behind the accordion, but what the hell. I promise I will never get so carried away by the combined temptations of Fabuloso Spanish Brandy and payday that I buy an accordion.

PS AND she was singing "C'est Magnifique".

Sunday afternoon. Brain bit slowish.

The following TV adverts have made me worry slightly about whether I missed some serious tectonic shift in modern-day society, possibly while asleep or reading comics.

1) "It's bad enough when your home smells of fish..." (Febreze) - A daily problem for, I fear, all of us, everywhere. Even those whose name doesn't contain the word "fish".

2) "For the woman who isn't yet ready for cosmetic surgery.." (Olay or something) - Obviously I'm having it, just not yet. Maybe when I'm really ugly and, say, aged 23 or something gross and haggy.

3) Is it acceptable for Ainsley Harriott to yell "Shit! Shit!" at his basset hound on primetime TV? (Fairy Powertabs) - Just a quibble.

4) And how deeply sad is it when the best thing a french car manufacturer can find to say about their new car is that it could be mistaken for a BMW if you squint at it sideways and ignore the badge?

Sunday afternoons chez Fishwife always fall into the same pattern - Sunday papers, buckets of tea, "Countryfile" for Mr Fishwife (who I suspect may have adopted John Craven as his Silver Fox Older Man Role Model - why not George Clooney? - You may well ask), 15 hours of Frasier repeats or "Singin' In The Rain" for me, and cheese toasties for lunch thank to my best ever Christmas present. I feel it's a sign of huge intelligence and lateral thinking to take a health-promoting gadget like the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grillin' Machine and use it to make oozingly fatty cheese and ham toasties.