Thursday, 18 February 2010

Plastic surgery for the thrifty

I've just had a brainwave. Yesterday I was talking to someone I met on Twitter, but in REAL LIFE in a bar (legalese comment inserted here about preserving anonymity, yadda yadda, you know who you are, lady) about Botox and whether it's worth it - "Does it hurt?" I asked with horrified fascination - apparently the answer has a lot of f-words in it and a Yes. Also she said you can't move the top half of your face for ages and although everybody thinks you look younger, they also secretly wonder if you've had a stroke. So, although I'm not unhappy with the way I look for my age, I thought : GAFFER TAPE. You heard it here first. I'm not sure if they do something approaching flesh colour (or a range of flesh colours), but it's ideal. Can be removed at the end of the day with, surely, less pain than 27 facial injections. Aaaaaand, for the more semi-permanent Phil Spector effect, duct tape, which can then be hidden under the wig you have Superglued on.
You may end up looking like this:


..however I think you'll agree that a little suffering is necessary for true ageless beauty. Or you could just bite the bullet and have Botox, which I have to say anonymous Twitter lady was a great advert for. Or, if you're me, neither, just ensure all your lighting is low wattage.

15 comments:

C.J.Duffy said...

I think I will stick with a good pair of Ray Banns and grow a beard.
Mind you, you would look silly with a beard!

Lucy Fishwife said...

CJ - I fear the beard may not be far off. Odder things happen to women my age.

libby said...

Oh that photo!! is she really like that or has she been photo whatsitted? poor creature either way.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I'm getting my Eva Frasier Facial Workout DVD out of the cellophane as we speak!

;-)

Rowe said...

Admittedly, I'm not looking forward to the ageing process but contentedness is something to really aspire to as youth and beauty fades.

C.J.Duffy said...

I wish that I could grow one! Beard that is.
Odd things do happen with age but I am damned if I will let that stop me!!

C.J.Duffy said...

PS. Good to see the Hernandez brothers (Los Bros) among your favourite writers and Neil Gaiman but no Alan Moore!

What ever next?

Lucy Fishwife said...

Libby - that is the lovely Joscelyn Wildenstein - she has not been photoshopped. Any Google Image you do of her will be as horrid, or worse. And it's all her own choice!!!

Laura - I find a 10-minute sesh of solitary gurning does wonders for the facial muscles. Combine it with a facepack and you end up with a lapful of mud flakes...

CJ - Beards are over-rated; those who have them don't want them, and vice versa, esp as we all slide inevitably to hairy-faced death. Did I not put Alan Moore on there? He actually IS the Daddy. I love him despite the beard.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Rowe - sorry! Wasn't ignoring you! My mum calls wrinkles etc "campaign medals". Best attitude really!

eBeth said...

Ha - Twitter people! My botox was almost two years ago now. I'm not allowed to have it anymore. Silly other people missed my emoting!

I do find it interesting that I selfishly would do it again but everyone else around me really disliked it.

Rol said...

I'm thinking a crane might be useful for the lady pictured too. Driven over her head so she can start again from scratch.

Fran Hill @ Being Miss said...

That's a real picture? Of a real live person? Oh my. Suddenly, my eye bags and saggy chin look positively Kate Moss.

Lucy Fishwife said...

eBeth - Or you could just do what that Mitford sister did (whichever one it was, one of the Nazi ones I think): adopt a "beautiful, serene expression" and never move your face. Like that would work for either of us...

Rol - now now, she's 70 years old you know. Let's not be mean about the elderly.

Fran - and it's all elective! NOT ONE PROCEDURE WAS AN ERROR! I too look like Uma Thurman in comparison...

Norma said...

Oh EEEP that picture! The poor woman, I thought she had some sort of genetic condition until I read your comment. *shudder*

I'm 40, which means I'm just starting to slide into invisibility in this culture. Which of course translates to "tacit permission to become increasingly eccentric, possibly adopting the skirt-turban of Little Edie Bouvier on crabbier go-to-hell days."

This is gonna be fun.

Murr Brewster said...

Post-menopause rocks. Turns out your vanity slides right out with your hormones, and not a minute too soon, either, since it would only bring you grief. Meanwhile, bigger pants, lower light, more beer and a slightly threatening demeanor work wonders.

I enjoy you--I'll be back!