Saturday, 18 July 2009

Targeted by psychopaths

I may have mentioned before how much I love the Internet. Maybe several times, who knows? There's a wonderful birthdayish feel about ordering things, paying for them, forgetting about them, and then a week or two later getting lots of presents in the post. However. I seem to have become the target, recently, for any and every pointless "homeware" catalogue the postie can shove through our letterbox. I wouldn't dream of suggesting that my address has been pimped out by somebody I actually subscribe to (Lakeland, I still love you!! Call me!!), so can only assume it was a one-night-stand (i.e. something I bought for Christmas from some company I'll never use again) who has stitched me up like this. I religiously tick every box that says "I do NOT wish to be contacted with exciting offers by your carefully-chosen partner companies thank you very much, now or ever", but there's obviously some loophole even the pathologically cautious like me have missed.
My most recent unsolicited arrival was the catalogue for Really Linda Barker, which seems to specialise in cast-iron rabbits and "wall art". As I flicked idly through it I realised that far from being an advertisement for Ms Barker's range of metalwork chinoiserie (well, it's all made in China), it's actually one gigantic cry for help. In her own words : "Looking back through my previous collections, I've noticed I have a growing obsession with hooks, and for some reason, chickens". Which, to the trained eye, says "STOP ME BEFORE I KILL AGAIN". It's a short and fatally easy step from an obsession with hooks and chickens to ending up like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, experimenting with livestock and wearing a waistcoat of badly-cured human skin. And why restrict this worry to the otherwise wholesome-looking Linda Barker? God knows what festers in the mind of Johnnie Boden. Why does he so keenly want to share his views on feather-stitch and patent leather with you? WHY????? Is he making himself a girl-suit like Buffalo Bill in Silence Of The Lambs???
Best not to ask really.

"Oh look, there's a daisy-chain of human hands in the rigging!"

24 comments:

screamish said...

had never heard of the woman before but yes, thanks to you i went googling. is this her? or one of her victims, drugged on morphine amuse-bouches about to have her brain fried in front of her (how i wish i never saw that scene in hannibal)

http://www.reallylindabarker.co.uk/living/new_for_summer.aspx

I'm not surprised you're frightened.

As for chickens, I learnt yesterday that Flannery O'Oonnor once taught a chicken how to walk backwards and was even on Pathe news

screamish said...

sorry, my comments all over the place. link didnt work, sorry, oh anyway, she's this blonde sitting at a garden table in the "living" section. quite ironic for a zombie!

Lucy Fishwife said...

Oh god yes that's her all right. Although I doubt what's in front of her is really a cream tea - I suspect chickens and hooks were used in its creation. I fear her as I fear a clown after midnight.
Flannery O'Connor was actually rather cool. Was the chicken featured on Pathe News because the synbol of Pathe News WAS in fact a chicken?

Steerforth said...

Linda's a Barker in every sense of the word. To quote from her website:

Just a few well chosen items can make all the difference to your living spaces - statement pieces, which immediately demand the attention of any visitor and contribute powerfully to the atmosphere of your room.

Then you see what's she's chosen and the statement is: YOU MUST LEAVE NOW!

Nora Johnson said...

I have it on good authority that in certain "aspirational" households, some so-called "up-market" catalogues by the likes of Boden, Toast et al are de rigueur coffee table fodder. Johnny must be laughing all the way to the bank!

btw just a thought on this particularly historic day: Barker's catalogue doesn't just represent one small step for help but rather one gigantic leap for institionalised care...

French Fancy said...

I bet Lakeland didn't pass on your details - they are the best catalogue in the world and I even fork out vast sums for the postage to France - just so I can indulge myself at Easter and Christmas

screamish said...

ah ha! i couldnt for the life of me remember who i was talking about chickens and flannery oconnor to, it was you! here's a link to listen to an interview, someone's just done a biography of her:

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/bookshow/stories/2009/2627457.htm

Lucy Fishwife said...

Steerforth - I'm slightly worried that she needs to "demand" visitors' attention rather than simply attracting it. Megalomania?

Nora - I've been targeted by them all. The Toast catalogue actually smells of old cardboard soaked in haddock oil so heaven knows where they print it - I bin it as soon as it comes throught the door in case it makes my house smell odd.

FF - Yes they are! I do love them. They actually DO have things you didn't know you needed. They are my secret loo reading material.

Screamish - on mah way!

Nora Johnson said...

Oops! Maybe it's Spellcheck that should be institutionalised - not Barker - for not doing its job checking the spelling solecism earlier...

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I've had a scary number of fake car insurance documents with ALL my personal details on sent at insurance renewal time this year promising that with the click of a mouse they will become valid. How DARE these people hang onto all my personal details from last year, some of whom I had not even asked for quotes from. Doubtless they even have my credit card number too, though luckily I have changed this in the last few months owing to my number being scammed by some small-time gambler (which caused Egg to immediately check with me and suspend it).
Oh and my garden furniture from Amazon has been signed for and stolen by someone else, rather than carefully stored by Parcelforce until i could collect. Wondered why it hadn't arrived yet.
Linda Barker - scary woman. And I HATE leather sofas anyway. They are cold, unwelcoming, smelly and remind me of a dentist's waiting room. How on earth she's persuaded so many people that they belong in a living room is anyone's guess.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Ho Nora - Ur speling is vey bad. U ar a badd persun. Shaim on yu.

Hi Laura - Oh tell me about it. Mr Fishwife had a phonecall from his bank a while ago asking him if he'd just bought a washing machine in Greece. Card-cloning etc very very prevalent these days. And a right pain. And also the old "pretending we thought you meant something else" scam, designed to intimidate the elderly and those whose English isn't great - where they give you a leaflet or something harmless and then storm round claiming you agreed to change suppliers. I wish I could say I didn't enjoy shouting at NPower over that one, but every moment was bliss.
Leather sofas are scary. I fear that horrible stickiness they have in summer months. Also the fact that they are all wipe-clean begs the obvious question - of WHAT?

Anonymous said...

I quite love you. Came to you through my google alert on 'Iris Murdoch' (I know). Am making do with your back-catalogue but would you think about posting more often?

French Fancy said...

p.s. What do you think of Chanel's Cristalle? Someone told me I would like it and you are my expert fragrancer.

Lucy Fishwife said...

Hello anon - I quite like being quite loved! Will try and post more often but seem to be having a bit of a dry spell lately... Definitely this week, I promise.

FF - I like Cristalle a lot but haven't worn it for ages - moved away from Chanel to Guerlain but feel it's time to move back...

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr Sniffer

I have been clinically distraught for many years following the withdrawal of Clarins' 'Elysium', my favourite perfume. **sobs hard round south of England** There are a couple of bottles out there on e*ay, but hard to know if they're kosha.

It's described as 'sandalwood, papaya, musk and honeydew'... do you know anything that smells vaguely similar???

Lucy Fishwife said...

Anon - Hallelujah! They have it on fragrancex.com - a US perfume sales website which I've used before twice, and who are both reliable and fairly speedy (for transatlantic shipping). The first time was fine, but the 2nd time the GPO slapped me with a "customs charge" which has never happened before or, hopefully, since. But they claim to have it, and are not con artists. XXX

Cassandra said...

Jesus H Christo, Lulu. Am finally back in the blogosphere after 2 agonising months and what do I find? The post of NIGHTMARES!!! Boden? ARGH!!!! Buffalo Bill's stitched skin suit? Possibly the creepiest outfit on screen. And that moment when he tucks his willy between his legs? WORDS FAIL ME. Still, I am trying to focus on a sweeter moment - Clarice's L'air du temps (but not today). I have exciting news - have just placed my first ever order with The Perfumed Court!!! So excited xxx

Lucy Fishwife said...

Cassandra! Welcome back! I missed you! OK now you've taken the Buffalo Bill Boden image a step further - I am having visions of him at the fashion shoots shouting "IT PUTS THE TANK TOP ON. IT PUTS THE TANK TOP ON. JUST JUMP IN THE AIR IN A CAREFREE MANNER, BITCH!!"
Hurrah for perfumed court, eh? What did you order?

Cassandra said...

Teeny-weeny samples of L'Heure Bleue, Jicky, Apres L'ondee and Eau de Sud (apologies for all shite spelling)

Wildernesschic said...

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Anonymous said...

Wow, hallelujah indeed - thank you for finding some 'Elysium' bottles! May your path be forever strewn with rose petals...and honeydew...and lemony things...!

I have ordered some, and will now await the smirking postman and his customs form.

I've had this before with lots of banal US items, so you have my sympathy - once they get you, I think one's name/address is flagged on their system! :(

Lucy Fishwife said...

Cassandra - AhAAAAAAAaaaaaaa. Another Guerlain-o-holic. Once you start, it's difficult to stop. My personal favourites include Mitsouko (rude shenanigans with Henry Miller in 1920s Paris), Insolence (hairspray & Parma violets, yet somehow strangely fab) and Vol De Nuit (the desert lies moonlit below the sleeping windows of your plane). Dang I'm poetic. Eau du Sud MARVELLOUS, the Annick Goutal equivalent of an iced tea with lemon and a shot of vodka.

Wildernesschic - Thank you! I am on my way over!

Anon - Seriously, doll, you neeed a name. I can't start lumping you in with any other Anon now I'm your Elysium buddy!

Anonymous said...

Yes, you're right - I need a name. Faintly embarrassed as I only have a few posts on my blog and haven't yet come up with a decent name for it...

A few things have passed my enfeebled mind:

(a)Deliaisrubbishandshouldbeshot
(b)Betweentwostools (might be misconstrued..)
(c)Mourinhoisasexgod

But nothing suitably catchy yet.

Have you read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"? Tossing up whether to read that first or David Mitchell's "Ghostwritten"... So many gaps in my reading... :(

e-lizzy Umm
xx

Lucy Fishwife said...

Oh I like e-lizzy umm. It has a certain cachet. Definitely read David Mitchell first - it is a work of bizarre genius. Quite liked Extremely Loud but it felt too much like a trendy post-9/11reworking of Curious Incident to me. Maybe I read them too close together.